Funny Shit - post it here

Aries
It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.

Taurus
When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.

Gemini
After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.

Cancer
You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.

Leo
Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.

Virgo
You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.

Libra
Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll soon be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.

Scorpio
You'll be shocked this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.

Sagittarius
Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.

Capricorn
Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.

Aquarius
You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.

Pisces
So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.

Damn I am a pisces....hahahaha.

POLTERGEIST!

God I love that commercial!

this is my all-time favorite rant. NSFW.

ahahaahhahahaha

How do you post youtube vids? I can't ever since they changed their design.

Akeldama wrote:

How do you post youtube vids? I can't ever since they changed their design.

copy the url and paste it between these [youtube] [/youtube]

Thx D, but I can't find the url now that they changed the design, where is it?

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

I've heard variations on that before, but it's always a good one.

Which one? The first or second one?

Akeldama wrote:

Which one? The first or second one?

The second one.

Here's one for ya (a bad one).

Dude's got a farting problem. His wife can't take it anymore, because whenever he cuts one loose it sounds like a motorcycle revving up. Wakes her up in the middle of the night. He goes to the doctor, who has never seen this problem before, they run some tests and wait for the results...

...in the interim, he gets a REALLY bad toothache. Makes an emergency appointment at the Dentist. After the exam the doctor says, "Well, you've got an abscess tooth, we're going to need to do a root canal. That should clear up the pain...and also take care of those motorcycle farts." The dude looks at the doc and asks "How in the hell did you know about that?"

The doctor responds:

"Easy, because abscess makes the fart go Honda."

I laughed out loud at that one!

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"