Funny Shit - post it here

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?

Hey I loved the one about the kid shtting his pants, that one had me laughing till tears rolled down from my eyes man, good one.

A woman and her husband are sitting on the couch watching TV when the news comes on. The announcer says, "We have terrible news this evening. 2 Brazilian people died in a plane crash."

Immediately after hearing this the woman starts balling. Her husband responds by telling her that they knew the risks when they signed up for it. And she replied, "No no no, how many is a Brazilian?"

Stolen from Keith:

q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen do?
a: Enough to kill 2 1/2 men

theJOKERiv wrote:

Stolen from Keith:

q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen do?
a: Enough to kill 2 1/2 men

LMAO on that one!

Here's some Jungle Love:

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained it to him, what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in the trunk of tree!" Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly", she then took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here" she said, "You must put it here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first." he said.

Fucking a, that's hilarious!

Congress Debates Coolness Of Rush


WASHINGTON, DC–Continuing its long-running debate on the subject Monday, members of Congress argued the merits of Canadian power trio Rush. "'The philosopher and the plowman, each must play his part'?" asked House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX). "C'mon. Neil Peart must be the most pretentious lyricist in arena-rock history. Gentlemen, forget these bloated, overrated '70s dinosaurs." Countered longtime Rush loyalist Rep. Peter DeFazio (D-OR): "Keep talking, man, the tunes say it all: 'Passage To Bangkok'? 'By-Tor And The Snow Dog'? That part in 'Red Barchetta' where [Rush bassist/vocalist] Geddy [Lee] sings about the gleaming alloy aircar shooting toward him two lanes wide? Look me in the eye and tell me that doesn't rock, motherfucker!" The deliberations are expected to continue throughout the week.

-The Onion

Shawn D. wrote:

Congress Debates Coolness Of Rush


WASHINGTON, DC–Continuing its long-running debate on the subject Monday, members of Congress argued the merits of Canadian power trio Rush. "'The philosopher and the plowman, each must play his part'?" asked House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX). "C'mon. Neil Peart must be the most pretentious lyricist in arena-rock history. Gentlemen, forget these bloated, overrated '70s dinosaurs." Countered longtime Rush loyalist Rep. Peter DeFazio (D-OR): "Keep talking, man, the tunes say it all: 'Passage To Bangkok'? 'By-Tor And The Snow Dog'? That part in 'Red Barchetta' where [Rush bassist/vocalist] Geddy [Lee] sings about the gleaming alloy aircar shooting toward him two lanes wide? Look me in the eye and tell me that doesn't rock, motherfucker!" The deliberations are expected to continue throughout the week.

-The Onion

Great article.

A brief 2 minute management course

Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The
eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.


Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.



Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of
the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there
in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course.

those remind me of the "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" joke.

Effing epic man!

Robber who broke into hair salon is beaten by its black-belt owner and kept as a sex
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...#ixzz1S09GDppb

A Russian man who tried to rob a hair salon ended up as the victim when the female shop owner overpowered him, tied him up naked and then used him as a sex slave for three days.

Viktor Jasinski, 32, admitted to police that he had gone to the salon in Meshchovsk, Russia, with the intention of robbing it.

But the tables were turned dramatically when he found himself overcome by owner Olga Zajac, 28, who happened to be a black belt in karate.

She allegedly floored the would-be robber with a single kick.

Then, in a scene reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, police say Zajac dragged the semi-conscious Jasinski to a back room of the salon and tied him up with a hair dryer cable.

She allegedly stripped him naked and, for the next three days, used him as a sex slave to 'teach him a lesson' - force feeding him Viagra to keep the lesson going.

The would-be robber was eventually released, with Zajak saying he had learned his lesson.

Jasinski went straight to the police and told them of his back-room ordeal, saying that he had been held hostage, handcuffed naked to a radiator, and fed nothing but Viagra.

Both have now been arrested.

When police arrived to question Zahjac, she said: 'What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles when he left."
__________________

I was born down south on a chicken farm in Mashville Tennessee
Weren't nobody there but a sky full of air, seventeen billion chickens and me.

So then one day, I said "Hey, hey, HEY, I think I'll drop a little LSD!"
It blew my mind, I got real kind and I set my chickens FREE!

So there were chickens in the pasture, chickens in the barn
Chickens in the cauliflower, chickens in the corn
Chickens drivin' Cadillacs to Washington, D.C.
When I set my chickens free!!!

In the early days of this country, when the buffalo roamed the land
All the saddle tramps and cowboys used to roll their own by hand.
They'd sit up in the saddle on their ass or on their horse
And they'd sing a little ditty that went like this, of course:

"When your feet are in the stirrups and your ass is on the ground
Cuz the grass that he's been eating is the finest grass around
Well let us not remember boys, and let us not forget
Strike a match and light another marijuana cigarette!"

Ahh, you have heard of evil and you've heard of misery
And you've heard of Richard Nixon but you haven't heard of me.
You may think they go together, and you may think that they do not
But there ain't much you'll be thinkin' when you've started smokin' pot!

You can smoke it, you can eat it, you can mix it with your beer
You can hang it on your wall and you can hang it in your ear
And if you've got the notion, and if he's got the class
You can stuff some in your feedbag and feed it to your ass!

"When your feet are in the stirrups and your ass is on the ground
Cuz the grass that he's been eating is the finest grass around
Well let us not remember boys, and let us not forget
Strike a match and light another marijuana cigarette!"

You're on a "roll".

Shawn D. wrote:

You're on a "roll".

Been re-reading my Freak Brothers comics this week...

that'll do it!

Venom hits the sunset strip.

DeathCult wrote:

Venom hits the sunset strip.

Is that really Venom? I used to have an album by them but never bothered to see what they look like, somethings are best left that way.

gershom wrote:

DeathCult wrote:

Venom hits the sunset strip.

Is that really Venom? I used to have an album by them but never bothered to see what they look like, somethings are best left that way.

Well that's Venom circa 1987, when the original guitarist left and they replaced him with 2 new guitar players and dropped the hail satan image they were known for in favor of a more "commercial" approach. Actually, as stupid as they look with straightened hair and leopard print with ray bans, the leather teddy's were probably worse.